The Eyebrow Chronicles » J. Crew

Festive Frockage

Brow1 — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:52:01 +0000

“Th’ whole worl’s in a terrible state o’ chassis,” says Captain Boyle in Sean O’Casey’s play “Juno and the Paycock.” But if you think that’s an excuse not to put your gladdest rags on this Christmas and/or New Year’s, you can think again. Now is the time for sequins, beads, sparkles, and baubles, for satin, velvet, and silk, for bold prints and big jewelry. Not, you will be relieved to hear, all in the same outfit.

In my opinion, there are two ways to do festive dressing, and no, head-to-toe fleece is not one of them (unless you’re a sheep). You can do all the drama with your dress and downplay everything else, or you can use accessories to liven up a simple base. If you’re going for the former, here’s some inspiration (from fantasy to reality):

Hanna silk and velvet dress by Christopher Kane

Beaded silk tunic dress by TIBI

Raindrop dress from French Connection

But if you don’t have a festive frock in your wardrobe, there’s no need to go out and buy one. You can take a simple black knit dress — one you might wear to work — and dress it up with a statement necklace, sparkly belt, or patterned tights. Start with something like this:

Sarafina knit dress by Trina Turk

And add something like this:

Sunken Treasure necklace by Subversive

Subversive has several highly covetable collections of jewelry featuring the brand’s signature tangles of chains and baubles. It’s easy to recognize and easy to rip off: J. Crew, for one, has comparable (though undeniably less fabulous) pieces for a fraction of the price.

Mint pearl mega cluster necklace by Subversive

Pearl and crystal avalanche necklace from J. Crew

With decorations like that, who needs a tree?

The Wrong Trousers

Brow1 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:18:17 +0000

I could buy tops till the cows come home. If I were buying things, that is. Actually, last night I dreamed about a cow coming home. In said dream, I went to pick up my pet cow from the vet. She was as wide and well-stuffed as a sofa. I wondered if I should ride her home but decided against it on the grounds that I didn’t know how she would behave in traffic.

Anyway.

Bottoms are a different story, especially trousers. So hard to get the right fit! And when oh when will harem pants go away? Not for some time, I fear: Topshop and Marks and Sparks just showed next year’s collections to the press, and M&S is banking on “the new pyjama pant” being the next big thing. How does it differ from the plain old pyjama pant? Well, I bet it will cost a lot more. The best solution might be just to stop getting dressed. Or, better yet, stop getting out of bed.

harem scare 'em

J. Crew recently told me that if I thought I couldn’t “do skinny,” I might be mistaken. So I went into the Time Warner Center store to test this hypothesis. I tried on a pair of ankle stretch toothpicks, which sounds like a form of torture for mice but translates as short, stretchy, and tight.

mouse torture instruments

Surprise: there is some truth in advertising. I thought I couldn’t do skinny, and there I was, doing skinny! Bigger surprise: they only looked good from the calf up. I guess I can do skinny but I can’t do short. They would probably look SUPER HOT with preposterous heels. And a white ribbed tank top, dark roots, crumbling trailer in the b.g., loser boyfriend named Darryl Wayne a blur on the horizon as he makes off with my welfare check in his beat-up Mustang.

Dang, I shoulda bought them jeans!