The Eyebrow Chronicles

Remember that (by now WAY overcooked) metaphor about self-basting turkeys? I promised I’d offer up some shining examples of style writers who eschew the roasting pan and flap their highly fashionable feathers freely. Turns out, it’s slim pickins out there.

Thank the gods of style (sartorial and syntactical) for Cintra Wilson, who regularly writes as the Critical Shopper in the New York Times. The Critical Shopper feature in general is a welcome relief from the “oops, I just vomited up this press release and called it a story” approach that prevails elsewhere. Not so much in the hallowed style pages of the NYT, you understand — most of that’s either dull or of the “Five Favorite Belts Under Five Hundred Dollars” variety. I believe the word for the latter crime is “aspirational.” Aspire to this, NYT style scribes: offering more sensible suggestions about things a rational human of moderate means trying to survive the worst recession of her lifetime so far might realistically consider buying/wearing.

So when the Critical Shopper appears, I lap it up like it’s the last French 75 in the desert. Each piece is a review of a store, and not those tiny, hidden away, one-of-a-kind boutiques that you’re never going to get to unless you live in New York. In fact, the one that got me all excited recently was Wilson’s take on Ann Taylor, somewhere I’ve always sneered at. OK, I admit I’m not sure I’ve ever set foot in one, but even the window displays have tended to make me yawn. You can read CW’s hilarious take on it for yourself here. Cintra Wilson, I think I love your writing. Anyone who can make an article about Ann Taylor both funny and interesting is a heroine in my book on my blog.

I was also intrigued by Mike Albo’s review of the yoga wear chain Lululemon. Yes, apparently men shop! Not as much as women, but they do. And not just for beer and flat screen TVs; for things like “yoga pants that don’t gape or ride up.” But that’s not the interesting part. Just hang in there till you get to Landmark Forum.

Which is most definitely NOT my advice for life in general.

I’m hungry for heroines: inspiring, dynamic, kick-ass, glass-ceiling-busting women doing cool things. And one of my latest obsessions is Alondra de la Parra, founder and conductor of the Philharmonic Orchestra of the Americas. She’s 28 years old, grew up in Mexico City, and started the orchestra five years ago while studying at the Manhattan School of Music. Her mission: to bring the music of the Americas to audiences while providing an opportunity for young musicians to kick off their orchestral careers. That’s right: at an age when most of us were still racking up student loans, spending them on cheap alcohol, and lurching about drunkenly to Britney Spears’ “Oops … I Did It Again,” she founded an orchestra. And her musical talent seems to be matched by her flair for fundraising, because now that orchestra is going strong, and at the two gala concerts I attended the audience was a veritable parade of well-heeled, flamboyantly-dressed Latin American glitterati.

As for Ms. de la Parra, she is gorgeously glam, but getting dressed must be a challenge for the female conductor. For one thing, the audience is getting the rear view. You want to look elegant; you don’t want an entire concert hall staring at your derriere. You also need a lot of freedom of movement. I think there’s a wonderful opportunity here for a smart female designer (Isabel Toledo? Carolina Herrera? Stella McCartney?) to create some custom-made conducting outfits for Ms. de la Parra. Admittedly, there’s not a huge market for women’s conducting garb right now, but thanks to A. d. l. P., that might be about to change.

The POA’s repertoire is populist and accessible; it’s also inclusive of composers and musical styles that the canon of orchestral music traditionally ignores. RIP DWEMs (Dead While European Males). Viva Alondra and the POA!

I adore Betsey Johnson about as much as I abhor QVC and the TV-shopping-verse in general. Which is why my tiny mind is boggled by the news that Bets may partner up with said network for a diffusion line. 

The eccentric designer picked up a Lifetime Achievement Award in Fashion from the National Arts Club last night and she told New York Magazine’s The Cut that she has her eye on a TV shopping slot. Among her reasons for gravitating to QVC: “My dentist is a big QVC-er.” 

I know Rachel Zoe is already on the network, and her line looks OK if you like that kind of faux fur and bling-bling thing. But RZ doesn’t have a fraction of Betsey’s design chops; she embraces a trashy aesthetic, whereas BJ flirts with it then turns it into something more: playful, flattering fashion. How I wish I’d been at her Spring 2010 presentation in the Palm Court at the Plaza Hotel (where she is redesigning Eloise’s suite). 

Betsey also cheerfully revealed that she is the kind of Luddite only the very rich and successful and well-staffed can afford to be. “I can’t deal with those electrics,” she said, apparently referring to the internet, computers in general, and even the telephone. Luckily, helpers like “Theresa the Twitterer” ensure she maintains a semblance of modernity. 

Well, if the unholy alliance of Betsey and QVC happens, you can bet I’ll be all over that sh*t like pink tartan on black tulle.

Whose brows are these?

Which divine British brunette is the owner of these deliciously full brows? Do they look good enough to eat … or like they should be framed and sold for a ridiculous sum at an art auction? OK, enough clues for you.

Figured it out? Hear the brows’ owner here until Sunday.

I never saw this before in my life — honest, guv’nor! Then again, I never thought I was the first person to put the the words The Eyebrow Chronicles together either. Most combinations of words one can easily think of have probably been said or written at one time or another. It’s the whole infinite monkeys thing.

F-off, I'm writing The Eyebrow Chronicles

I had a variant on this conversational theme with my friend G when we were at university. We wondered what culinary pairings had never been thought of before. You know, if you sent an infinite number of monkeys to Sainsburys and gave them a kitchen, how long would it take them to invent beans on toast? I suggested the Spam and fontina sandwich. We never tried it.

much better with banana

Doesn’t Liz Taylor have an amazing pair, though? And Rachel Alexander! That’s a look that I endure considerable pain trying to avoid. But she’s a supermodel. Different rules apply.

Rachel Alexander with more ruly brows

Here she is looking more groomed. I like the flapper bob and the length of her fringe. The lips are a bit too corpse-y for my taste.